Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
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The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Not helping
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.