Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
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Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?