Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
You Might Also Like
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect