[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
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Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly