I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
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“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me