NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
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[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
The glory of fall.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Love this one 😂🧟
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”