No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’m just playing devils avocado here
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.