her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Botany good plants lately?
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”