I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
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Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy