THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
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My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?