Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
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Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
What
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see