I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
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What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.