Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Happy Caturday!
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
That was easy.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”