three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
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You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Damn he played himself
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.