an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
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A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?