I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
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A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.