Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
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One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities