professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
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Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”