My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
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Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
is this a warning or an offer?
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE