[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
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im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
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Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
All excellent questions
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
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Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
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I weigh at least 17 squirrels
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication