History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
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I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks