6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
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Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
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Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.