“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
You Might Also Like
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
My dog learned how to text
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.