Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
You Might Also Like
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
two people or more is called a problem
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.