Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
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(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
sir, my pâté if you please
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!