I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
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The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
There’s no “u” in narcissist
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Every work call, he judges.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.