from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
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Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Only short people can save us
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
who named him groot and not spruce lee