Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
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Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Raisins are grape jerky.