ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
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As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
we did it you guys we saved daylight
My life coach traded me.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner