“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
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me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it鈥檚 filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Sometimes? I鈥檓 slipping
Officer: I鈥檓 arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
鈼斤笍yes
鈼斤笍no
鈼撅笍other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
It鈥檚 like the world is being written by a third grader now.
鈥淭hen the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 馃槀
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i鈥檓 illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.