Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
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When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Florida man
Teach your children to beatbox
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person