Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
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[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound