Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
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“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]