I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
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If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
My guardian angel deserves a raise
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled