Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
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A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
me after eating Cheetos
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Autocorrect completely socks
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”