Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
You Might Also Like
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
scared to check what name she chose
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.