[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
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Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.