Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
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It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.