Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
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*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.