God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
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I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Coffee for people with no kids
From my Mom
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling