doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
You Might Also Like
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I’M CRYINGGG
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end