My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front