I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
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A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.