I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
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Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Netflix and you sit over there.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
🙁
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
This is so me 😂😂
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either