Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.