Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
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Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.