[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
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Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land