I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
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DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
☠️☠️☠️
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence