Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
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[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
New mindset, who dis?
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend