A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
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Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.